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There was an old person of Dundalk

  There was an old person of Dundalk,

  Who tried to teach fishes to walk;

  When they tumbled down dead, he grew weary, and said,

  “I had better go back to Dundalk!”

  There was an old person of Shoreham

  There was an old person of Shoreham,

  Whose habits were marked by decorum;

  He bought an Umbrella, and sate in the cellar,

  Which pleased all the people of Shoreham.

  There was an old person of Bar

  There was an old person of Bar,

  Who passed all her life in a jar,

  Which she painted pea-green, to appear more serene,

  That placid old person of Bar.

  There was a young person of Kew

  There was a young person of Kew,

  Whose virtues and vices were few;

  But with blamable haste she devoured some hot paste,

  Which destroyed that young person of Kew.

  There was an old person of Jodd

  There was an old person of Jodd,

  Whose ways were perplexing and odd;

  She purchased a whistle, and sate on a thistle,

  And squeaked to the people of Jodd.

  There was an old person of Bude

  There was an old person of Bude,

  Whose deportment was vicious and crude;

  He wore a large ruff of pale straw-colored stuff,

  Which perplexed all the people of Bude.

  There was an old person of Brigg

  There was an old person of Brigg,

  Who purchased no end of a wig;

  So that only his nose, and the end of his toes,

  Could be seen when he walked about Brigg.

  There was an old man of Messina

  There was an old man of Messina,

  Whose daughter was named Opsibeena;

  She wore a small wig, and rode out on a pig,

  To the perfect delight of Messina.

  TWENTY-SIX NONSENSE RHYMES AND PICTURES.

  The Absolutely Abstemious Ass

  The Absolutely Abstemious Ass,

  who resided in a Barrel, and only lived on

  Soda Water and Pickled Cucumbers.

  The Bountiful Beetle

  The Bountiful Beetle,

  who always carried a Green Umbrella when it didn’t rain,

  and left it at home when it did.

  The Comfortable Confidential Cow

  The Comfortable Confidential Cow,

  who sate in her Red Morocco Arm Chair and

  toasted her own Bread at the parlour Fire.

  The Dolomphious Duck

  The Dolomphious Duck,

  who caught Spotted Frogs for her dinner

  with a Runcible Spoon.

  The Enthusiastic Elephant

  The Enthusiastic Elephant,

  who ferried himself across the water with the

  Kitchen Poker and a New pair of Ear-rings.

  The Fizzgiggious Fish

  The Fizzgiggious Fish,

  who always walked about upon Stilts,

  because he had no legs.

  The Good-natured Grey Gull

  The Good-natured Grey Gull,

  who carried the Old Owl, and his Crimson Carpet-bag,

  across the river, because he could not swim.

  The Hasty Higgeldipiggledy Hen

  The Hasty Higgeldipiggledy Hen,

  who went to market in a Blue Bonnet and Shawl,

  and bought a Fish for her Supper.

  The Inventive Indian

  The Inventive Indian,

  who caught a Remarkable Rabbit in a

  Stupendous Silver Spoon.

  The Judicious Jubilant Jay

  The Judicious Jubilant Jay,

  who did up her Back Hair every morning with a Wreath of Roses,

  Three feathers, and a Gold Pin.

  The Kicking Kangaroo

  The Kicking Kangaroo,

  who wore a Pale Pink Muslin dress

  with Blue spots.

  The Lively Learned Lobster

  The Lively Learned Lobster,

  who mended his own Clothes with

  a Needle and Thread.

  The Melodious Meritorious Mouse

  The Melodious Meritorious Mouse,

  who played a merry minuet on the

  Piano-forte.

  The Nutritious Newt

  The Nutritious Newt,

  who purchased a Round Plum-pudding

  for his grand-daughter.

  The Obsequious Ornamental Ostrich

  The Obsequious Ornamental Ostrich,

  who wore Boots to keep his

  feet quite dry.

  The Perpendicular Purple Polly

  The Perpendicular Purple Polly,

  who read the Newspaper and ate Parsnip Pie

  with his Spectacles.

  The Queer Querulous Quail

  The Queer Querulous Quail,

  who smoked a Pipe of tobacco on the top of

  a Tin Tea-kettle.

  The Rural Runcible Raven

  The Rural Runcible Raven,

  who wore a White Wig and flew away

  with the Carpet Broom.

  The Scroobious Snake

  The Scroobious Snake,

  who always wore a Hat on his Head, for

  fear he should bite anybody.

  The Tumultuous Tom-tommy Tortoise

  The Tumultuous Tom-tommy Tortoise,

  who beat a Drum all day long in the

  middle of the wilderness.

  The Umbrageous Umbrella-maker

  The Umbrageous Umbrella-maker,

  whose Face nobody ever saw, because it was

  always covered by his Umbrella.

  The Visibly Vicious Vulture

  The Visibly Vicious Vulture,

  who wrote some Verses to a Veal-cutlet in a

  Volume bound in Vellum.

  The Worrying Whizzing Wasp

  The Worrying Whizzing Wasp,

  who stood on a Table, and played sweetly on a

  Flute with a Morning Cap.

  The Excellent Double-extra XX

  The Excellent Double-extra XX

  imbibing King Xerxes, who lived a

  long while ago.

  The Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo

  The Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo,

  whose Head was ever so much bigger than his

  Body, and whose Hat was rather small.

  The Zigzag Zealous Zebra

  The Zigzag Zealous Zebra,

  who carried five Monkeys on his back all

  the way to Jellibolee.

  LAUGHABLE LYRICS, A FOURTH BOOK OF NONSENSE POEMS, SONGS, BOTANY, MUSIC, ETC.

  CONTENTS

  LAUGHABLE LYRICS.

  THE DONG WITH A LUMINOUS NOSE.

  THE TWO OLD BACHELORS.

  THE PELICAN CHORUS.

  THE COURTSHIP OF THE YONGHY-BONGHY-BÒ.

  THE POBBLE WHO HAS NO TOES.

  THE NEW VESTMENTS.

  THE QUANGLE WANGLE’S HAT.

  THE CUMMERBUND.

  THE AKOND OF SWAT.

  NONSENSE BOTANY.

  NONSENSE ALPHABETS.

  ALPHABET IV. (1877)

  ALPHABET V. (1877)

  LAUGHABLE LYRICS.

  THE DONG WITH A LUMINOUS NOSE.

  When awful darkness and silence reign

  Over the great Gromboolian plain,

  Through the long, long wintry nights;

  When the angry breakers roar

  As they beat on the rocky shore;

  When Storm-clouds brood on the towering heights

  Of the Hills of the Chankly Bore, —

  Then, through the vast and gloomy dark

  There moves what seems a fiery spark, —

  A lonely spark with silvery rays

  Piercing the coal-black night, —

  A Meteor strange and bright:

  Hither and thither the vision strays,<
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  A single lurid light.

  Slowly it wanders, pauses, creeps, —

  Anon it sparkles, flashes, and leaps;

  And ever as onward it gleaming goes

  A light on the Bong-tree stems it throws.

  And those who watch at that midnight hour

  From Hall or Terrace or lofty Tower,

  Cry, as the wild light passes along, —

  “The Dong! the Dong!

  The wandering Dong through the forest goes!

  The Dong! the Dong!

  The Dong with a luminous Nose!”

  Long years ago

  The Dong was happy and gay,

  Till he fell in love with a Jumbly Girl

  Who came to those shores one day.

  For the Jumblies came in a sieve, they did, —

  Landing at eve near the Zemmery Fidd

  Where the Oblong Oysters grow,

  And the rocks are smooth and gray.

  And all the woods and the valleys rang

  With the Chorus they daily and nightly sang, —

  “Far and few, far and few,

  Are the lands where the Jumblies live;

  Their heads are green, and their hands are blue,

  And they went to sea in a sieve.”

  Happily, happily passed those days!

  While the cheerful Jumblies staid;

  They danced in circlets all night long,

  To the plaintive pipe of the lively Dong,

  In moonlight, shine, or shade.

  For day and night he was always there

  By the side of the Jumbly Girl so fair,

  With her sky-blue hands and her sea-green hair;

  Till the morning came of that hateful day

  When the Jumblies sailed in their sieve away,

  And the Dong was left on the cruel shore

  Gazing, gazing for evermore, —

  Ever keeping his weary eyes on

  That pea-green sail on the far horizon, —

  Singing the Jumbly Chorus still

  As he sate all day on the grassy hill, —

  “Far and few, far and few,

  Are the lands where the Jumblies live;

  Their heads are green, and their hands are blue,

  And they went to sea in a sieve.”

  But when the sun was low in the West,

  The Dong arose and said, —

  “What little sense I once possessed

  Has quite gone out of my head!”

  And since that day he wanders still

  By lake and forest, marsh and hill,

  Singing, “O somewhere, in valley or plain,

  Might I find my Jumbly Girl again!

  For ever I’ll seek by lake and shore

  Till I find my Jumbly Girl once more!”

  Playing a pipe with silvery squeaks,

  Since then his Jumbly Girl he seeks;

  And because by night he could not see,

  He gathered the bark of the Twangum Tree

  On the flowery plain that grows.

  And he wove him a wondrous Nose, —

  A Nose as strange as a Nose could be!

  Of vast proportions and painted red,

  And tied with cords to the back of his head.

  In a hollow rounded space it ended

  With a luminous Lamp within suspended,

  All fenced about

  With a bandage stout

  To prevent the wind from blowing it out;

  And with holes all round to send the light

  In gleaming rays on the dismal night

  And now each night, and all night long,

  Over those plains still roams the Dong;

  And above the wail of the Chimp and Snipe

  You may hear the squeak of his plaintive pipe,

  While ever he seeks, but seeks in vain,

  To meet with his Jumbly Girl again;

  Lonely and wild, all night he goes, —

  The Dong with a luminous Nose!

  And all who watch at the midnight hour,

  From Hall or Terrace or lofty Tower,

  Cry, as they trace the Meteor bright,

  Moving along through the dreary night, —

  “This is the hour when forth he goes,

  The Dong with a luminous Nose!

  Yonder, over the plain he goes, —

  He goes!

  He goes, —

  The Dong with a luminous Nose!”

  THE TWO OLD BACHELORS.

  Two old Bachelors were living in one house;

  One caught a Muffin, the other caught a Mouse.

  Said he who caught the Muffin to him who caught the Mouse, —

  “This happens just in time! For we’ve nothing in the house,

  Save a tiny slice of lemon and a teaspoonful of honey,

  And what to do for dinner — since we haven’t any money?

  And what can we expect if we haven’t any dinner,

  But to lose our teeth and eyelashes and keep on growing thinner?”

  Said he who caught the Mouse to him who caught the Muffin, —

  “We might cook this little Mouse, if we only had some Stuffin’!

  If we had but Sage and Onion we could do extremely well;

  But how to get that Stuffin’ it is difficult to tell!”

  Those two old Bachelors ran quickly to the town

  And asked for Sage and Onion as they wandered up and down;

  They borrowed two large Onions, but no Sage was to be found

  In the Shops, or in the Market, or in all the Gardens round.

  But some one said, “A hill there is, a little to the north,

  And to its purpledicular top a narrow way leads forth;

  And there among the rugged rocks abides an ancient Sage, —

  An earnest Man, who reads all day a most perplexing page.

  Climb up, and seize him by the toes, — all studious as he sits, —

  And pull him down, and chop him into endless little bits!

  Then mix him with your Onion (cut up likewise into Scraps), —

  When your Stuffin’ will be ready, and very good — perhaps.”

  Those two old Bachelors without loss of time

  The nearly purpledicular crags at once began to climb;

  And at the top, among the rocks, all seated in a nook,

  They saw that Sage a-reading of a most enormous book.

  “You earnest Sage!” aloud they cried, “your book you’ve read enough in!

  We wish to chop you into bits to mix you into Stuffin’!”

  But that old Sage looked calmly up, and with his awful book,

  At those two Bachelors’ bald heads a certain aim he took;

  And over Crag and precipice they rolled promiscuous down, —

  At once they rolled, and never stopped in lane or field or town;

  And when they reached their house, they found (besides their want of Stuffin’),

  The Mouse had fled — and, previously, had eaten up the Muffin.

  They left their home in silence by the once convivial door;

  And from that hour those Bachelors were never heard of more.

  THE PELICAN CHORUS.

  King and Queen of the Pelicans we;

  No other Birds so grand we see!

  None but we have feet like fins!

  With lovely leathery throats and chins!

  Ploffskin, Pluffskin, Pelican jee!

  We think no Birds so happy as we!

  Plumpskin, Ploshkin, Pelican Jill!

  We think so then, and we thought so still

  We live on the Nile. The Nile we love.

  By night we sleep on the cliffs above;

  By day we fish, and at eve we stand

  On long bare islands of yellow sand.

  And when the sun sinks slowly down,

  And the great rock walls grow dark and brown,

  Where the purple river rolls fast and dim

  And the Ivory Ibis starlike skim,

&n
bsp; Wing to wing we dance around,

  Stamping our feet with a flumpy sound,

  Opening our mouths as Pelicans ought;

  And this is the song we nightly snort, —

  Ploffskin, Pluffskin, Pelican jee!

  We think no Birds so happy as we!

  Plumpskin, Ploshkin, Pelican jill!

  We think so then, and we thought so still!

  Last year came out our Daughter Dell,

  And all the Birds received her well.

  To do her honor a feast we made

  For every bird that can swim or wade, —

  Herons and Gulls, and Cormorants black,

  Cranes, and Flamingoes with scarlet back,

  Plovers and Storks, and Geese in clouds,

  Swans and Dilberry Ducks in crowds:

  Thousands of Birds in wondrous flight!

  They ate and drank and danced all night,

  And echoing back from the rocks you heard