Nonsense Books Page 6

  And that was the vicious and voluble end of the seven young Parrots.

  CHAPTER VI.

  THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG STORKS.

  When the seven young Storks set out, they walked or flew for fourteen weeksin a straight line, and for six weeks more in a crooked one; and after thatthey ran as hard as they could for one hundred and eight miles; and afterthat they stood still, and made a himmeltanious chatter-clatter-blatterynoise with their bills.

  About the same time they perceived a large frog, spotted with green, andwith a sky-blue stripe under each ear.

  So, being hungry, they immediately flew at him, and were going to dividehim into seven pieces, when they began to quarrel as to which of his legsshould be taken off first. One said this, and another said that; and whilethey were all quarrelling, the frog hopped away. And when they saw that hewas gone, they began to chatter-clatter, blatter-platter, patter-blatter, matter-clatter, flatter-quatter,more violently than ever; and after theyhad fought for a week, they pecked each other all to little pieces, so thatat last nothing was left of any of them except their bills.

  And that was the end of the seven young Storks.

  CHAPTER VII.

  THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG GEESE.

  When the seven young Geese began to travel, they went over a large plain,on which there was but one tree, and that was, a very bad one.

  So four of them went up to the top of it, and looked about them; while theother three waddled up and down, and repeated poetry, and their last sixlessons in arithmetic, geography, and cookery.

  Presently they perceived, a long way off, an object of the most interestingand obese appearance, having a perfectly round body exactly resembling aboiled plum-pudding, with two little wings, and a beak, and three feathersgrowing out of his head, and only one leg.

  So, after a time, all the seven young Geese said to each other, "Beyond alldoubt this beast must be a Plum-pudding Flea!"

  On which they incautiously began to sing aloud,

  "Plum-pudding Flea, Plum-pudding Flea, Wherever you be, Oh! come to our tree, And listen, oh! listen, oh! listen to me!"

  And no sooner had they sung this verse than the Plum-pudding Flea began tohop and skip on his one leg with the most dreadful velocity, and camestraight to the tree, where he stopped, and looked about him in a vacantand voluminous manner.

  On which the seven young Geese were greatly alarmed, and all of atremble-bemble: so one of them put out his long neck, and just touched himwith the tip of his bill; but no sooner had he done this than thePlum-pudding Flea skipped and hopped about more and more, and higher andhigher; after which he opened his mouth, and, to the great surprise andindignation of the seven Geese, began to bark so loudly and furiously andterribly, that they were totally unable to bear the noise; and by degreesevery one of them suddenly tumbled down quite dead.

  So that was the end of the seven young Geese.

  CHAPTER VIII.

  THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG OWLS.

  When the seven young Owls set out, they sate every now and then on thebranches of old trees, and never went far at one time.

  And one night, when it was quite dark, they thought they heard a mouse;but, as the gas-lamps were not lighted, they could not see him.

  So they called out, "Is that a mouse?"

  On which a mouse answered, "Squeaky-peeky-weeky! yes, it is!"

  And immediately all the young Owls threw themselves off the tree, meaningto alight on the ground; but they did not perceive that there was a largewell below them, into which they all fell superficially, and were every oneof them drowned in less than half a minute.

  So that was the end of the seven young Owls.

  CHAPTER IX.

  THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG GUINEA PIGS.

  The seven young Guinea Pigs went into a garden full of goose-berry-bushesand tiggory-trees, under one of which they fell asleep. When they awoke,they saw a large lettuce, which had grown out of the ground while they hadbeen sleeping, and which had an immense number of green leaves. At whichthey all exclaimed,--

  "Lettuce! O lettuce Let us, O let us, O lettuce-leaves, O let us leave this tree, and eat Lettuce, O let us, lettuce-leaves!"

  And instantly the seven young Guinea Pigs rushed with such extreme forceagainst the lettuce-plant, and hit their heads so vividly against itsstalk, that the concussion brought on directly an incipient transitionalinflammation of their noses, which grew worse and worse and worse andworse, till it incidentally killed them all seven.

  And that was the end of the seven young Guinea Pigs.

  CHAPTER X.

  THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG CATS.

  The seven young Cats set off on their travels with great delight andrapacity. But, on coming to the top of a high hill, they perceived at along distance off a Clangle-Wangle (or, as it is more properly written,Clangel-Wangel); and, in spite of the warning they had had, they ranstraight up to it.

  (Now, the Clangle-Wangle is a most dangerous and delusive beast, and by nomeans commonly to be met with. They live in the water as well as on land,using their long tail as a sail when in the former element. Their speed isextreme; but their habits of life are domestic and superfluous, and theirgeneral demeanor pensive and pellucid. On summer evenings, they maysometimes be observed near the Lake Pipple-Popple, standing on their heads,and humming their national melodies. They subsist entirely on vegetables,excepting when they eat veal or mutton or pork or beef or fish orsaltpetre.)

  The moment the Clangle-Wangle saw the seven young Cats approach, he ranaway; and as he ran straight on for four months, and the Cats, though theycontinued to run, could never overtake him, they all gradually _died_ offatigue and exhaustion, and never afterwards recovered.

  And this was the end of the seven young Cats.

  CHAPTER XI.

  THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG FISHES.

  The seven young Fishes swam across the Lake Pipple-Popple, and into theriver, and into the ocean; where, most unhappily for them, they saw, on thefifteenth day of their travels, a bright-blue Boss-Woss, and instantly swamafter him. But the Blue Boss-Woss plunged into a perpendicular, spicular, orbicular, quadrangular, circular depth of soft mud;where, in fact, his house was.

  And the seven young Fishes, swimming with great and uncomfortable velocity,plunged also into the mud quite against their will, and, not beingaccustomed to it, were all suffocated in a very short period.

  And that was the end of the seven young Fishes.

  CHAPTER XII.

  OF WHAT OCCURRED SUBSEQUENTLY.

  After it was known that the

  seven young Parrots, and the seven young Storks, and the seven young Geese, and the seven young Owls, and the seven young Guinea Pigs, and the seven young Cats, and the seven young Fishes,

  were all dead, then the Frog, and the Plum-pudding Flea, and the Mouse, andthe Clangle-Wangle, and the Blue Boss-Woss, all met together to rejoiceover their good fortune. And they collected the seven feathers of the sevenyoung Parrots, and the seven bills of the seven young Storks, and thelettuce, and the cherry; and having placed the latter on the lettuce, andthe other objects in a circular arrangement at their base, they danced ahornpipe round all these memorials until they were quite tired; after whichthey gave a tea-party, and a garden-party, and a ball, and a concert, andthen returned to their respective homes full of joy and respect, sympathy,satisfaction, and disgust.

  CHAPTER XIII.

  OF WHAT BECAME OF THE PARENTS OF THE FORTY-NINE CHILDREN.

  BUT when the two old Parrots, and the two old Storks, and the two old Geese, and the two old Owls, and the two old Guinea Pigs, and the two old Cats, and the two old Fishes,

  became aware, by reading in the newspapers, of the calamitous extinction ofthe whole of their families, they refused all further sustenance; and,sendi
ng out to various shops, they purchased great quantities of Cayennepepper and brandy and vinegar and blue sealing-wax, besides seven immenseglass bottles with air-tight stoppers. And, having done this, they ate alight supper of brown-bread and Jerusalem artichokes, and took anaffecting and formal leave of the whole of their acquaintance, which wasvery numerous and distinguished and select and responsible and ridiculous.

  CHAPTER XIV.

  CONCLUSION.

  And after this they filled the bottles with the ingredients for pickling,and each couple jumped into a separate bottle; by which effort, of course,they all died immediately, and became thoroughly pickled in a few minutes;having previously made their wills (by the assistance of the most eminentlawyers of the district), in which they left strict orders that thestoppers of the seven bottles should be carefully sealed up with the bluesealing-wax they had purchased; and that they themselves, in the bottles,should be presented to the principal museum of the city of Tosh, to belabelled with parchment or any other anti-congenial succedaneum, and to beplaced on a marble table with silver-gilt legs, for the daily inspectionand contemplation, and for the perpetual benefit, of the pusillanimouspublic.

  And if you ever happen to go to Gramble-Blamble, and visit that museum inthe city of Tosh, look for them on the ninety-eighth table in the fourhundred and twenty-seventh room of the right-hand corridor of the left wingof the central quadrangle of that magnificent building; for, if you do not,you certainly will not see them.

  * * * * *

  NONSENSE COOKERY.

  Extract from "The Nonsense Gazette," for August, 1870.

  "Our readers will be interested in the following communications from ourvalued and learned contributor, Prof. Bosh, whose labors in the fields ofculinary and botanical science are so well known to all the world. Thefirst three articles richly merit to be added to the domestic cookery ofevery family: those which follow claim the attention of all botanists; andwe are happy to be able, through Dr. Bosh's kindness, to present ourreaders with illustrations of his discoveries. All the new flowers arefound in the Valley of Verrikwier, near the Lake of Oddgrow, and on thesummit of the Hill Orfeltugg."

  THREE RECEIPTS FOR DOMESTIC COOKERY.

  TO MAKE AN AMBLONGUS PIE.

  Take 4 pounds (say 4-1/2 pounds) of fresh Amblongusses, and put them in asmall pipkin.

  Cover them with water, and boil them for 8 hours incessantly; after whichadd 2 pints of new milk, and proceed to boil for 4 hours more.

  When you have ascertained that the Amblongusses are quite soft, take themout, and place them in a wide pan, taking care to shake them wellpreviously.

  Grate some nutmeg over the surface, and cover them carefully with powderedgingerbread, curry-powder, and a sufficient quantity of Cayenne pepper.

  Remove the pan into the next room, and place it on the floor. Bring it backagain, and let it simmer for three-quarters of an hour. Shake the panviolently till all the Amblongusses have become of a pale purple color.

  Then, having prepared the paste, insert the whole carefully; adding at thesame time a small pigeon, 2 slices of beef, 4 cauliflowers, and any numberof oysters.

  Watch patiently till the crust begins to rise, and add a pinch of salt fromtime to time.

  Serve up in a clean dish, and throw the whole out of window as fast aspossible.

  TO MAKE CRUMBOBBLIOUS CUTLETS.

  Procure some strips of beef, and, having cut them into the smallestpossible slices, proceed to cut them still smaller,--eight, or perhapsnine times.

  When the whole is thus minced, brush it up hastily with a newclothes-brush, and stir round rapidly and capriciously with a salt-spoonor a soup-ladle.

  Place the whole in a saucepan, and remove it to a sunny place,--say theroof of the house, if free from sparrows or other birds,--and leave itthere for about a week.

  At the end of that time add a little lavender, some oil of almonds, and afew herring-bones; and then cover the whole with 4 gallons of clarifiedCrumbobblious sauce, when it will be ready for use.

  Cut it into the shape of ordinary cutlets, and serve up in a cleantable-cloth or dinner-napkin.

  TO MAKE GOSKY PATTIES.

  Take a pig three or four years of age, and tie him by the off hind-leg to apost. Place 5 pounds of currants, 3 of sugar, 2 pecks of peas, 18 roastchestnuts, a candle, and 6 bushels of turnips, within his reach: if he eatsthese, constantly provide him with more.

  Then procure some cream, some slices of Cheshire cheese, 4 quires offoolscap paper, and a packet of black pins. Work the whole into a paste,and spread it out to dry on a sheet of clean brown waterproof linen.

  When the paste is perfectly dry, but not before, proceed to beat the pigviolently with the handle of a large broom. If he squeals, beat him again.

  Visit the paste and beat the pig alternately for some days, and ascertainif, at the end of that period, the whole is about to turn into GoskyPatties.

  If it does not then, it never will; and in that case the pig may be letloose, and the whole process may be considered as finished.

  * * * * *

  NONSENSE BOTANY.

  Baccopipia Gracilis.]

  Bottlephorkia Spoonifolia.]

  Cockatooca Superba.]

  Fishia Marina.]

  Guittara Pensilis.]

  Manypeeplia Upsidownia.]

  Phattfacia Stupenda.]

  Piggiwiggia Pyramidalis.]

  Plumbunnia Nutritiosa.]

  Pollybirdia Singularis.]

  * * * * *

  NONSENSE ALPHABETS.

  A

 

  A was an ant Who seldom stood still, And who made a nice house In the side of a hill.

  a! Nice little ant!

  B

 

  B was a book With a binding of blue, And pictures and stories For me and for you.

  b! Nice little book!

  C

 

  C was a cat Who ran after a rat; But his courage did fail When she seized on his tail.

  c! Crafty old cat!

  D

 

  D was a duck With spots on his back, Who lived in the water, And always said "Quack!"

  d! Dear little duck!

  E

 

  E was an elephant, Stately and wise: He had tusks and a trunk, And two queer little eyes.

  e! Oh, what funny small eyes!

  F

 

  F was a fish Who was caught in a net; But he got out again, And is quite alive yet.

  f! Lively young fish!

  G

 

  G was a goat Who was spotted with brown: When he did not lie still He walked up and down.

  g! Good little goat!

  H

 

  H was a hat Which was all on one side; Its crown was too high, And its brim was too wide.

  h! Oh, what a hat!

  I

 

  I was some ice So white and so nice, But which nobody tasted; And so it was wasted.

  i! All that good ice!

  J

 

  J was a jackdaw Who hopped up and down In the principal street Of a neighboring town.

  j! All through the town!

  K

 

  K was a kite Which flew out of sight, Above houses so high, Quite into the sky.

  k Fly away, kite!

  L

 

  L was
a light Which burned all the night, And lighted the gloom Of a very dark room.

  l! Useful nice light!

  M

 

  M was a mill Which stood on a hill, And turned round and round With a loud hummy sound.

  m! Useful old mill!

  N

 

  N was a net Which was thrown in the sea To catch fish for dinner For you and for me.

  n! Nice little net!

  O

 

  O was an orange So yellow and round: When it fell off the tree, It fell down to the ground.