Delphi Complete Poetical Works of Edward Lear Page 6

  And that was the vicious and voluble end of the seven young Parrots.

  CHAPTER VI.

  THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG STORKS.

  When the seven young Storks set out, they walked or flew for fourteen weeks in a straight line, and for six weeks more in a crooked one; and after that they ran as hard as they could for one hundred and eight miles; and after that they stood still, and made a himmeltanious chatter-clatter-blattery noise with their bills.

  About the same time they perceived a large frog, spotted with green, and with a sky-blue stripe under each ear.

  So, being hungry, they immediately flew at him, and were going to divide him into seven pieces, when they began to quarrel as to which of his legs should be taken off first. One said this, and another said that; and while they were all quarrelling, the frog hopped away. And when they saw that he was gone, they began to chatter-clatter,

  blatter-platter, patter-blatter, matter-clatter, flatter-quatter, more violently than ever; and after they had fought for a week, they pecked each other all to little pieces, so that at last nothing was left of any of them except their bills.

  And that was the end of the seven young Storks.

  CHAPTER VII.

  THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG GEESE.

  When the seven young Geese began to travel, they went over a large plain, on which there was but one tree, and that was, a very bad one.

  So four of them went up to the top of it, and looked about them; while the other three waddled up and down, and repeated poetry, and their last six lessons in arithmetic, geography, and cookery.

  Presently they perceived, a long way off, an object of the most interesting and obese appearance, having a perfectly round body exactly resembling a boiled plum-pudding, with two little wings, and a beak, and three feathers growing out of his head, and only one leg.

  So, after a time, all the seven young Geese said to each other, “Beyond all doubt this beast must be a Plum-pudding Flea!”

  On which they incautiously began to sing aloud,

  “Plum-pudding Flea, Plum-pudding Flea, Wherever you be, Oh! come to our tree, And listen, oh! listen, oh! listen to me!”

  And no sooner had they sung this verse than the Plum-pudding Flea began to hop and skip on his one leg with the most dreadful velocity, and came straight to the tree, where he stopped, and looked about him in a vacant and voluminous manner.

  On which the seven young Geese were greatly alarmed, and all of a tremble-bemble: so one of them put out his long neck, and just touched him with the tip of his bill; but no sooner had he done this than the Plum-pudding Flea skipped and hopped about more and more, and higher and higher; after which he opened his mouth, and, to the great surprise and indignation of the seven Geese, began to bark so loudly and furiously and terribly, that they were totally unable to bear the noise; and by degrees every one of them suddenly tumbled down quite dead.

  So that was the end of the seven young Geese.

  CHAPTER VIII.

  THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG OWLS.

  When the seven young Owls set out, they sate every now and then on the branches of old trees, and never went far at one time.

  And one night, when it was quite dark, they thought they heard a mouse; but, as the gas-lamps were not lighted, they could not see him.

  So they called out, “Is that a mouse?”

  On which a mouse answered, “Squeaky-peeky-weeky! yes, it is!”

  And immediately all the young Owls threw themselves off the tree, meaning to alight on the ground; but they did not perceive that there was a large well below them, into which they all fell superficially, and were every one of them drowned in less than half a minute.

  So that was the end of the seven young Owls.

  CHAPTER IX.

  THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG GUINEA PIGS.

  The seven young Guinea Pigs went into a garden full of goose-berry-bushes and tiggory-trees, under one of which they fell asleep. When they awoke, they saw a large lettuce, which had grown out of the ground while they had been sleeping, and which had an immense number of green leaves. At which they all exclaimed, —

  “Lettuce! O lettuce

  Let us, O let us,

  O lettuce-leaves,

  O let us leave this tree, and eat

  Lettuce, O let us, lettuce-leaves!”

  And instantly the seven young Guinea Pigs rushed with such extreme force against the lettuce-plant, and hit their heads so vividly against its stalk, that the concussion brought on directly an incipient transitional inflammation of their noses, which grew worse and worse and worse and worse, till it incidentally killed them all seven.

  And that was the end of the seven young Guinea Pigs.

  CHAPTER X.

  THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG CATS.

  The seven young Cats set off on their travels with great delight and rapacity. But, on coming to the top of a high hill, they perceived at a long distance off a Clangle-Wangle (or, as it is more properly written, Clangel-Wangel); and, in spite of the warning they had had, they ran straight up to it.

  (Now, the Clangle-Wangle is a most dangerous and delusive beast, and by no means commonly to be met with. They live in the water as well as on land, using their long tail as a sail when in the former element. Their speed is extreme; but their habits of life are domestic and superfluous, and their general demeanor pensive and pellucid. On summer evenings, they may sometimes be observed near the Lake Pipple-Popple, standing on their heads, and humming their national melodies. They subsist entirely on vegetables, excepting when they eat veal or mutton or pork or beef or fish or saltpetre.)

  The moment the Clangle-Wangle saw the seven young Cats approach, he ran away; and as he ran straight on for four months, and the Cats, though they continued to run, could never overtake him, they all gradually died of fatigue and exhaustion, and never afterwards recovered.

  And this was the end of the seven young Cats.

  CHAPTER XI.

  THE HISTORY OF THE SEVEN YOUNG FISHES.

  The seven young Fishes swam across the Lake Pipple-Popple, and into the river, and into the ocean; where, most unhappily for them, they saw, on the fifteenth day of their travels, a bright-blue Boss-Woss, and instantly swam after him. But the Blue Boss-Woss plunged into a perpendicular,

  spicular, orbicular, quadrangular, circular depth of soft mud; where, in fact, his house was.

  And the seven young Fishes, swimming with great and uncomfortable velocity, plunged also into the mud quite against their will, and, not being accustomed to it, were all suffocated in a very short period.

  And that was the end of the seven young Fishes.

  CHAPTER XII.

  CHAPTER XII.

  OF WHAT OCCURRED SUBSEQUENTLY.

  After it was known that the

  seven young Parrots, and the seven young Storks,

  and the seven young Geese,

  and the seven young Owls,

  and the seven young Guinea Pigs,

  and the seven young Cats,

  and the seven young Fishes,

  were all dead, then the Frog, and the Plum-pudding Flea, and the Mouse, and the Clangle-Wangle, and the Blue Boss-Woss, all met together to rejoice over their good fortune. And they collected the seven feathers of the seven young Parrots, and the seven bills of the seven young Storks, and the lettuce, and the cherry; and having placed the latter on the lettuce, and the other objects in a circular arrangement at their base, they danced a hornpipe round all these memorials until they were quite tired; after which they gave a tea-party, and a garden-party, and a ball, and a concert, and then returned to their respective homes full of joy and respect, sympathy, satisfaction, and disgust.

  CHAPTER XIII.

  OF WHAT BECAME OF THE PARENTS OF THE FORTY-NINE CHILDREN.

  BUT when the two old Parrots,

  and the two old Storks, and the two old Geese, and the two old Owls, and the two old Guinea Pigs, and the two old Cats, and the two old Fishes, became aware, by r
eading in the newspapers, of the calamitous extinction of the whole of their families, they refused all further sustenance; and, sending out to various shops, they purchased great quantities of Cayenne pepper and brandy and vinegar and blue sealing-wax, besides seven immense glass bottles with air-tight stoppers. And, having done this, they ate a light supper of brown-bread and Jerusalem artichokes, and took an affecting and formal leave of the whole of their acquaintance, which was very numerous and distinguished and select and responsible and ridiculous.

  CHAPTER XIV.

  CONCLUSION.

  And after this they filled the bottles with the ingredients for pickling, and each couple jumped into a separate bottle; by which effort, of course, they all died immediately, and became thoroughly pickled in a few minutes; having previously made their wills (by the assistance of the most eminent lawyers of the district), in which they left strict orders that the stoppers of the seven bottles should be carefully sealed up with the blue sealing-wax they had purchased; and that they themselves, in the bottles, should be presented to the principal museum of the city of Tosh, to be labelled with parchment or any other anti-congenial succedaneum, and to be placed on a marble table with silver-gilt legs, for the daily inspection and contemplation, and for the perpetual benefit, of the pusillanimous public.

  And if you ever happen to go to Gramble-Blamble, and visit that museum in the city of Tosh, look for them on the ninety-eighth table in the four hundred and twenty-seventh room of the right-hand corridor of the left wing of the central quadrangle of that magnificent building; for, if you do not, you certainly will not see them.

  NONSENSE COOKERY.

  Extract from the Nonsense Gazette, for August, 1870.

  “Our readers will be interested in the following communications from our valued and learned contributor, Prof. Bosh, whose labors in the fields of culinary and botanical science are so well known to all the world. The first three articles richly merit to be added to the domestic cookery of every family: those which follow claim the attention of all botanists; and we are happy to be able, through Dr. Bosh’s kindness, to present our readers with illustrations of his discoveries. All the new flowers are found in the Valley of Verrikwier, near the Lake of Oddgrow, and on the summit of the Hill Orfeltugg.”

  THREE RECEIPTS FOR DOMESTIC COOKERY.

  TO MAKE AN AMBLONGUS PIE.

  Take 4 pounds (say 4½ pounds) of fresh Amblongusses, and put them in a small pipkin.

  Cover them with water, and boil them for 8 hours incessantly; after which add 2 pints of new milk, and proceed to boil for 4 hours more.

  When you have ascertained that the Amblongusses are quite soft, take them out, and place them in a wide pan, taking care to shake them well previously.

  Grate some nutmeg over the surface, and cover them carefully with powdered gingerbread, curry-powder, and a sufficient quantity of Cayenne pepper.

  Remove the pan into the next room, and place it on the floor. Bring it back again, and let it simmer for three-quarters of an hour. Shake the pan violently till all the Amblongusses have become of a pale purple color.

  Then, having prepared the paste, insert the whole carefully; adding at the same time a small pigeon, 2 slices of beef, 4 cauliflowers, and any number of oysters.

  Watch patiently till the crust begins to rise, and add a pinch of salt from time to time.

  Serve up in a clean dish, and throw the whole out of window as fast as possible.

  TO MAKE CRUMBOBBLIOUS CUTLETS.

  Procure some strips of beef, and, having cut them into the smallest possible slices, proceed to cut them still smaller, — eight, or perhaps nine times.

  When the whole is thus minced, brush it up hastily with a new clothes-brush, and stir round rapidly and capriciously with a salt-spoon or a soup-ladle.

  Place the whole in a saucepan, and remove it to a sunny place, — say the roof of the house, if free from sparrows or other birds, — and leave it there for about a week.

  At the end of that time add a little lavender, some oil of almonds, and a few herring-bones; and then cover the whole with 4 gallons of clarified Crumbobblious sauce, when it will be ready for use.

  Cut it into the shape of ordinary cutlets, and serve up in a clean table-cloth or dinner-napkin.

  TO MAKE GOSKY PATTIES.

  Take a pig three or four years of age, and tie him by the off hind-leg to a post. Place 5 pounds of currants, 3 of sugar, 2 pecks of peas, 18 roast chestnuts, a candle, and 6 bushels of turnips, within his reach: if he eats these, constantly provide him with more.

  Then procure some cream, some slices of Cheshire cheese, 4 quires of foolscap paper, and a packet of black pins. Work the whole into a paste, and spread it out to dry on a sheet of clean brown waterproof linen.

  When the paste is perfectly dry, but not before, proceed to beat the pig violently with the handle of a large broom. If he squeals, beat him again.

  Visit the paste and beat the pig alternately for some days, and ascertain if, at the end of that period, the whole is about to turn into Gosky Patties.

  If it does not then, it never will; and in that case the pig may be let loose, and the whole process may be considered as finished.

  NONSENSE BOTANY.

  Baccopipia Gracilis.

  Bottlephorkia Spoonifolia.

  Cockatooca Superba.

  Fishia Marina.

  Guittara Pensilis.

  Manypeeplia Upsidownia.

  Phattfacia Stupenda.

  Piggiwiggia Pyramidalis.

  Plumbunnia Nutritiosa.

  Pollybirdia Singularis.

  NONSENSE ALPHABETS.

  ALPHABET I. (1871)

  A

  A was an ant

  Who seldom stood still,

  And who made a nice house

  In the side of a hill.

  a

  Nice little ant!

  B

  B was a book

  With a binding of blue,

  And pictures and stories

  For me and for you.

  b

  Nice little book!

  * * *

  C

  C was a cat

  Who ran after a rat;

  But his courage did fail

  When she seized on his tail.

  c

  Crafty old cat!

  D

  D was a duck

  With spots on his back,

  Who lived in the water,

  And always said “Quack!”

  d

  Dear little duck!

  * * *

  E

  E was an elephant,

  Stately and wise:

  He had tusks and a trunk,

  And two queer little eyes.

  e

  Oh, what funny small eyes!

  F

  F was a fish

  Who was caught in a net;

  But he got out again,

  And is quite alive yet.

  f

  Lively young fish!

  * * *

  G

  G was a goat

  Who was spotted with brown:

  When he did not lie still

  He walked up and down.

  g

  Good little goat!

  H

  H was a hat

  Which was all on one side;

  Its crown was too high,

  And its brim was too wide.

  h

  Oh, what a hat!

  * * *

  I

  I was some ice

  So white and so nice,

  But which nobody tasted;

  And so it was wasted.

  i

  All that good ice!

  J

  J was a jackdaw

  Who hopped up and down

  In the principal street

  Of a neighboring town.

  j

  All through the town!

  * * *

  K

  K was a kite

  Which flew ou
t of sight,

  Above houses so high,

  Quite into the sky.

  k

  Fly away, kite!

  L

  L was a light

  Which burned all the night,

  And lighted the gloom

  Of a very dark room.

  l

  Useful nice light!

  * * *